Galaxy Potter Quest
by Ninja Master
Summary: The alumni cast of a cult space TV show have to play their roles as the real thing when an alien race needs their help.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

The vastness of space. Suddenly a hole in the sky opens with a flash and a space ship rumbles into view. On its hull the letters NSEA Protector. Magnificent, though on closer inspection it shudders ever so slightly, denoting pre-CGI model work on a budget. The fans are watching a TV show.

"We're exiting the time knot now sir!"

5 Members of the crew of the NSEA Protector sit in the large circa - 1979-"high-tech" cabin. All of them human except for Dr. Lazarus, a purple reptilian-looking alien. Laredo is 9. The crewmates exchange relieved smiles.

"We're alive."

"We made it Commander, we made it!"

"By Grabthar's hammer, we live to tell the tale."

"Systems register functional."

"All systems are working, Commander. Commander?"

They all turn to look at the Commander, who turns to reveal himself dramatically. Good looking. His acting is classic Charlton Heston take-no-prisoners style. He looks around the command deck, worried, almost sniffing the air.

"I don't like it. It was too easy... Look for ambient energy fields."

"All normal sir... The entire spectrum."

"Check again Laredo."

"Yes sir, I- Wait. Oh no."

His radar lights up with dots. First a few, then hundreds.

"They're everywhere. There are time knots opening everywhere."

"IMPACT NOW Commander"

Suddenly an explosion rocks the ship.

"A trap."

"We're surrounded Commander. The entire 5k Ranking is out there."

"Our plasma armor?"

"Gone sir."

Another blast rocks the room.

"Structural damage at 68 percent."

"We're getting major structural damage."

"It's a core meltdown sir. It can't be stopped."

The Commander turns to his advisor, Lazarus.

"Commander, surrender may be our only option."

"No, never give up... NEVER surrender.'"

"The reactor has eaten through four levels... Six levels... The ship is disintegrating."

"Your orders sir?... Sir, your orders?"

The Commander walks into close up; steely determination.

"Activate the Omega 13."

The crewmates exchange expectant and terrified glances. A crewman's hand as he operates a series controls which in turn opens five layers of mechanical locks revealing a serious looking lever. The Commander pulls that lever. A machine Is revealed, rising from the floor in the middle of the room. It begins to glow. Each actor in turn reacting dramatically. Then suddenly…

Enthralled legions of mostly spotty faced male adolescent fans staring at the big TV scene. For a moment all is silent. A few are sobbing. Then a burst of thunderous applause... A huge amount of fans are at the science fiction convention. The enthusiastic crowd of fans continue cheering as the master of ceremonies Neville takes the stage.

"Well, there you are! You are the first people to see the lost Galaxy Quest episode 52 two parter since it was originally aired in '82! As most of you know, no concluding episode was filmed when the series was cancelled, so one episode was never included in the syndication run. Let's hear it for Remus Lapin, who actually rescued the footage from the studio garbage! Can you believe that?" (Lapin stands, fans cheer) "Now for the moment you've all been waiting for... The intrepid crew of the NSEA Protector!"

But a stagehand in the wings signals for Neville to "stretch."

"But first... What is a "hero"? Let's take a look at a few more clips..."

Real life actors all dressed as their TV alter egos... Harry Potter, beautiful, in a sexy and improbable body suit. Severus Snape,(Dr. Lazarus) wearing green alien prosthetic makeup. Ron Weasley, calm, sitting on an apple box reading the paper. Blaise "Laredo" Zabini, the youngest of the group.

"Where the hell is he? An hour and a half late. An hour and a half!"

(Harry looks through curtain)

"This is great! They're going to start eating each other out there."

"He's a twit!"

"Oh, and did you hear he booked another fan appearance without us?"

"You're kidding. When for?"

"Tomorrow morning, before the store opening."

"He's a miserable twit!"

"The guy is terminally selfish!"

"He ate my sandwich."

"What?"

"A month ago, he ate my sandwich."

Harry turns to notice Severus staring into a makeup mirror, eyes roaming over his alien green makeup and scaly rubber features with a mournful expression.

"Oh Severus, get away from that thing..."

"Dear God... How did I come to this?"

"Not again..."

"I played Richard III..."

"Five curtain calls..."

"...Five curtain calls! I was an ACTOR once, damn it. Now look at me... LOOK AT ME."

"Settle down, Severus..."

"No. I can't go out there! I won't say that ridiculous catch phrase one more time. I won't. I can't!"

"At least you had a PART. You had a character people loved! My TV Guide interview was six paragraphs about this body suit. About my legs. How did I perfect my trademark sidesaddle pose? Nobody ever bothered to ask what I DO on the ship..."

"You were the, uh... Wait I'll think of it..."

"I repeated the computer. "It's getting hotter, Commander!" "The ship is disintegrating, Commander!" Nothing I did EVER affected the plot, not ONCE! Nothing I did was ever taken seriously!"

"Excuse me. I'm an African American playing a nine year old Malaysian named Laredo. HELLO!"

Suddenly the rear stage doors open and Draco Malfoy ("The Commander") strolls in, all exuberance and charm.

"My friends, your Commander has arrived!... Am I too late for Severus' panic attack?..."(Looks at Severus) "Apparently so." (Inspects a mole on Severus's neck) "That's irregular, you should have it looked at." (Looks at Ron's paper) "Lakers are HOT. Speaking of which... Harry, you look spectacular." (They all glare at him) "Oh, what did I do now?"

On the stage, Neville continues to stall...

"... Sure, the rocks looked hollow and the sets moved when anyone humped into them... But we didn't care..."

Film clips are projected behind him: On an alien planet The Commander carries the limp body of his Advisor, Lazarus, ray guns erupting around him... On the command deck the crew fights a space battle with crack precision teamwork...

"...For those four seasons from '79 to '82 we the viewers developed the same affection for the crew of the NSEA Protector that the crew had for each other... These weren't just adventurers exploring space, these were friends..."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The others surround Draco, fighting.

"You said we do appearances together, or not at all.'"

"I didn't say that. I said "wouldn't it be great if we could always, work together." That's what I said."

"Unbelievable."

"You are so full of shit."

"A few fans built a little set in their garage. I come in for an hour at most. It's a nothing."

"How much of a nothing? Not enough to split five ways kind of a nothing?"

"What do you want me to say, Harry?... They wanted the Commander."

Suddenly bright light streams in. They all turn to see Severus skulking out the exit. A beat, then they all run to catch Severus, tackling him.

Neville gets a thumbs up cue from a stagehand and begins to introduce the cast, to the delight of the applauding fans.

"Okay, here we go... Let's hear a warm welcome for crack gunner/navigator. Laredo, Blaise Zabini!"

Blaise comes bounding out with a big smile, his hair mussed. Behind him is a film clip of young Laredo in action.

(Film clip of Blaise as Laredo)

"If it's got quantum rockets, I can fly it."

"Ship's Tech Sergeant Chen... Ron Weasley!"

Ron strolls out with a casual wave.

Ron as Chen

"Give me a stick of gum and a hairpin and we're on our way!"

Harry and Draco are wrestling on the ground with Severus.

"Severus you can't -just leave."

"Oh can't I? Watch me!"

"Come on, old friend..."

"Friend. You stole all my best lines. You cut me out of episode two entirely!.."

"The beautiful shipmate Tawny Madison... Harry Potter!"

Harry takes the stage noticeably ruffled. In the film clip, Tawny Madison looks around the cabin fearfully.

"One hundred degrees and rising..."

Harry as Tawny is on

"It's... It's getting hotter, Commander.'"

Many "appreciative" whistles. Harry forces a smile.

"And now... The Commander's advisor and closest friend. His peaceful nature ever at odds with the savage warrior inside him, after witnessing the massacre of his entire species as a boy..."

A split screen shot of Severus, one mild mannered, the other a savage beast of vengeance, tearing into a foe.

Draco still in a wrestling match with Severus.

"You WILL go out there."

"I won't and nothing you say-"

"The show must go on."

"...Damn you! Damn you!"

"Dr. Lazarus of Tev'meck"... Severus Snape.

Severus bounds up on stage, bowing deep with grace and humility. The stage trained British actor.

Severus as Lazarus onscreen

"By Grabthar's hammer, you shall be avenged.'"

Severus cringes, desperately unhappy.

"And finally, my fellow Questarians, the brave Commander of the NSEA Protector... Peter Quincy Taggart... Draco Malfoy."

Draco appears and a spotlight follows him.

"Unbelievable. He rented a SPOT?"

Draco raises his fist encouraging the fans to cry out...

Draco/Draco on screen/everyone

"NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER SURRENDER... DAMN THE RESONANCE CANNONS, FULL SPEED AHEAD.'"

The fans go crazy. The actors exchange glances.

"The Commander and his crew will be signing autographs on imperial decks "b" and "c" near the coke machines."

It's quiet. four pairs of boots walking down the hallway. Five serious looking young people, 4 men and a woman, clean cut as Disneyland employees and impeccably outfitted in Galaxy Quest style uniforms. Something odd about them you can't quite put your finger on.. For now refer to them as the peculiar fans.

The peculiar fans as they enter the bustling convention floor, making their way past the numerous fans dressed as their favorite Galaxy Quest characters... through the various booths selling Galaxy Quest and other Sci-fi memorabilia, catching snippets of conversation along the way: They pass two elaborately costumed alien fans talking.

"...Yeah, I used to De Gark'nor of Ang but I got a rash from the chest pads so now I'm Sacnod from episode 5, which is fine except the transducer pinches when I sit down..."

... They pass a group of particularly earnest fans at a vendor's booth, also costumed as the five Galaxy Quest leads. Their leader, Seamus Finnigan, inspects a seller's model of the Defender, contemptuously.

"The tail fin is concave, not convex. The proton reactor is where the influx thermistors should be and.. my god... is this Testor's blue green number six on the hull? (drops the model roughly) I... I... This is a complete abortion."

With curious glances to this similarly uniformed group, the Peculiar fans move past, then come to a halt as they spot Draco, up on a raised platform at the front of the hall signing autographs for a long line of fans. The peculiar fans stare at Draco as to they were in the presence of God. They exchange astonished smiles, then start toward him...

Blaise, Severus and Ron sign autographs at a row of tables near Draco, but significantly lower than his perch.

"Is it me or does his table get higher every convention?"

One of many fans dressed as "Dr. Lazarus" steps up to Severus and salutes him with crossed fists.

"By Grabthar's hammer, by the suns of Warvan, I shall avenge you!"

Severus ignores this, grabs the photo from his hand, signs it, thrusts it back. The next fan steps up.

"By Grabthar's hammer, by the-"

He signs and thrusts it back before he can even finish.

"Next!"

Neville (the MC) approaches the actors at their tables.

"Hi everybody."

"Hey. Thanks for one nice intro... uh."

"Neville... You probably don't remember me do you?" (They stare blankly) I was on the show in '82. Episode 31? Got killed by the lava monster before the first commercial? "Crewman #6?"

The actors pretend that they remember him. "oh, right! Neville!"

"Listen, I was wondering, would you guys mind if I sit in today? See if anybody's interested in an autograph? Never know."

"Sure, Neville, If you can stand the excitement."

Two more fans dressed as Severus' character approaches him, proudly chattering at him in the Mak'tar language.

"Don't make me get a restraining order."

The peculiar fans are making their way through the crowd toward Draco. Something very strange; the left hand of the tallest one is flickering between a normal hand and a hand with seven long blue tentacles for fingers. The leader notices and motions to the afflicted man who raps sharply against a metal blinking box on his belt. The hand becomes normal again. He looks up, nods at the leader. From now on we'll refer to these 5 as the aliens.

At the cast table - Neville now sits with the others, forlorn. No fans are in line for his autograph. He watches as Ron fields questions from the group or fans led by Seamus.

"Mr. Weasley? In episode nineteen, when the reactor fused, you used an element from Leopold Six to fix the quantum rockets. What was that called?"

"Bivrakium."

"The blue sheath it was encased in-?"

"A bi-thermal krevlite housing."

Seamus makes a note, thanks him and exits with his group.

"How do you remember this stuff?"

"Oh I make it up. Use lots of "k"s and "v"s."

A male fan moves up to Harry, hands her a picture to sign.

"I'm a big fan Ms. Potter."

Harry looks at the photo, nonplussed.

"You really expect me to sign a naked picture of myself? This isn't even my body!"

"Yeah, normally with fakes it's like, recycle bin. But.. This one's really good." (Harry sighs, starts to sign) "Could you not write over the... Thanks."

A fan finally approaches Neville who looks up eagerly. The fan looks at him quizzically, trying to place him.

"Episode 12. (gets no reaction) Killed by the lava monster?.."

(Fan turns to Blaise)

"Laredo, could I get an autograph?"

Neville shrugs, disappointed. Harry gives him a comforting look, then looks across at Draco on his perch.

Talking dramatically to a group of fans. A young boy watches wide eyed.

"... On one hand, if I had moved an inch, the beast would have killed me. On the other hand, my crew was in danger..."

"How did you know what to do?"

"Without a crew, I'm not a Commander."

He pulls down on the kid's cap.

"And we all know what happened to that beast on Enok 7..."

The fans make happy nerdy "we sure do" noises.

Harry shakes her head appreciatively.

"You gotta admit, they do love him."

"Almost as much as he loves himself."

They watch as Draco fields another question from a fan.

"I'm glad you asked... To me the most important qualities of a Galaxy Explorer are loyalty..."

"...To camera center no matter whose shot you're blocking..."

"Leadership..."

"... To make sure craft service keeps those little butter cookies, and plenty of them-"

"And determination."

"... To playing scenes shirtless because the ladies do love Commander furry."

Harry, Severus and the others try to contain their laughter.

Bored with the constant queries of his fans, Draco glances over to see Harry smiling at him. She quickly looks away, self- conscious. Draco doesn't even take his eyes off Harry as Seamus steps forward, his brow knit with serious matters.

"Commander, please settle a dispute that my crew and I are having. In "The Quasar Dilemma", the Sentient had taken control of the ship's guidance systems, however-"

"Excuse me guys."

Draco exits. Seamus turns to his friends, frustrated.

"I hadn't even gotten to the relevant conundrum..."

Harry answers a question from a shy girl.

"Miss Potter?... In episode 15, "Mist of Delos 5?" I got the feeling you and the Commander kind of had a thing in the swamp when you were stranded together. Did you?"

"The Commander and I NEVER had a thing."

"That's her story."

Harry looks up to see Draco. The girl giggles and exits. Draco smiles at Harry.

"What?"

"You smiled at me."

Rolling her eves Harry rises and walks off. Undaunted, Draco follows, but runs into the five aliens. Their leader Cerdic bows respectfully, then follows along as Draco pursues Harry.

"Commander, I must speak to you. It is a matter of supreme importance... We are Thermians from the Klatu Nebula, and we require your help. I beseech you to come with us, back to our ship. A great many lives hang in the balance..."

"Right, If this is about the thing tomorrow you can hammer out the details with my agent, but make sure I have a limo from my house, they jammed me into a Toyota the last time I did one of these."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"I... certainly, but-"

"Catch me later, okay?"

Draco catches up to Harry. He spins her around dramatically.

"Crewman Madison, I.. I'm sorry. Whatever I do next I have no control over. It's the mist on this strange planet, It's filling my head with such thoughts..."

He leans in for a tortured kiss... Some fans gather, delighted by the impromptu show. But Harry steps aside.

"It was cute when I didn't know you."

She exits". Draco tries to pretend that doesn't hurt.

Draco moves forward, introspective, amidst the enthusiastic fans. They all shout out questions and comments to him... But Draco pushes past without response and takes refuge in the men's room.

Draco enters to witness the incongruous sight of four Mank'Nar beasts at the urinals taking a Man'Nar piss. Draco enters a stall and sits on the lid, trying to get a moment to think. But two Cynicalic 20-somethings enter, laughing their assess off. He can hear their voices echo from the other side.

"You're right. What a FREAK SHOW. This is fricking HILARIOUS."

"Yeah, what a bunch of losers. And those poor actors. They've done, like, WHAT for twenty years? I think Ron Weasley did a dog food commercial... Sad."

"Did you hear Malfoy up there? That's the saddest. I think he actually gets off on these nerds thinking he's space Commander. It's pathetic. And his friends..."

"... They HATE him. I know, did you hear them ragging on him? "Commander furry!..."

"He has no idea that he's a laughingstock... Even to his buddies."

They exit, their laughter ringing in Draco's ears.

Draco is back at his table signing autographs in a foul mood. He scribbles his name irritably, avoiding contact with the fans as Seamus and his group of aficionados approach him.

"Commander, as I was saying... In "The Quasar Dilemma", you used the auxiliary of deck b for Gamma override. But online blueprints indicate deck b is independent of the guidance matrix, so we were wondering where the error lies?"

"It's a television show. Okay? That's all. It's just a bunch of fake sets, and wooden props, do you understand?"

"Yes but, we were wondering-"

"There IS no quantum flux and there Is no auxiliary... There's no goddamn ship Do you get it?"

Draco notices that all eyes are turned on him. The hall has become deathly quiet. Draco rises abruptly and exits through the hall. Seamus and the fans do their best not to take this personally.

Harry is cooking something intricate and delicious as she talks to Severus on the phone. Her house is tasteful and bright on a budget.

"I don't know, Severus, he's never gone quite this far before..."

Severus sits at his kitchen table, applying spirit gum remover to the edges of his alien head appliance.

"I've said for years he's mentally unstable."

He stands and moves to the refrigerator. Nothing but a hunk of very rank cheese which he sniffs disdainfully.

"Oh good, there's nothing to eat."

"Why didn't you stop at the market?"

(Severus re his alien cap)

"I still haven't got this bloody thing off.

"You could order something in."

"A boy comes to the door."

(Back to Draco...)

"I don't know... It just wasn't like him."

"Yes, poor Draco. As we speak he's probably out somewhere talking rubbish to a roomful of hangers-on. While here I sit eating Christmas cheese in Spring."

Draco sits on the edge of the bed staring at the TV, sipping scotch, flipping channels. He stops at the conclusion of an episode of Galaxy Quest. As Commander Taggart makes a heroic speech. Draco mouths the words along with his alter ego.

Commander Taggart on TV

"As long as there is injustice, whenever a Targathian baby cries out, wherever a distress signal sounds among the stars... We'll be there. This fine ship, and this fine crew... Never give up! Never surrender!"

Laying on the bed... Draco has passed out, body twisted face down in a pillow.

Draco sleeps, hungover, dead to the world. His doorbell rings.

He barely moves. Every Indication is that he's dead. More ringing. He stirs enough to groan, and drags a pillow over his head. The ringing continues...

Draco opens the door in his robe, drooping bloodshot eyes, squint of a headache... There before him are the aliens dressed in their perfect Galaxy Quest attire. Draco stares at them, bleary eyed. With earnest respectful faces, the five salute him in the classic "Galaxy Quest" style. Draco shuts the door in their faces. Ding Dong: The door opens again.

"WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT?"

The leader, Cedric, steps forward. Speaks quickly.

"Sir, I understand this is a terrible breach of protocol, but please, I beg you to hear our plea. We are Thermians from the Klatu Nebula. Our people are being systematically hunted and slaughtered by Roth'h'ar Voldemort of Fatu-Krey. Voldemort wants the Omega 13. We are to meet in negotiation. However our past efforts in this regard have been nothing short of disastrous. The flames, the death..." (he quickly gathers himself) "Please Captain, you are our last hope. We have secured a limousine."

"Oh, right! The thing with the thing. Come on in, I'll get some pants on."

The four aliens stand on one side of the room. Draco, mostly dressed, hunts under his couch for something.

"Commander, standing here in your presence is the greatest honor we could ever have hoped to achieve in our lifetimes."

Mostly all they can see of Draco at the moment is his butt.

"Thanks, appreciate it... Anybody seen my other shoe?"

Draco sits in back with Cedric and the others, half-awake.

"Sir, I am Dean, senior requisition officer. Before we travel to the ship, please let me know if you have any requirements. Weapons, documents, personnel..."

"I could use a Coke."

One of the aliens nods to the other who makes a note.

"Sir, I am Bem. I would like to explain the history between our people and the Voldemort Dominion in greater detail. In the 5 million years following the great nebula burst our people were one..."

"What about him? Doesn't he talk?"

"His translator is broken."

The fourth alien says something, but it comes out a weird mix of sounds. Like a screaming baby inside a bagpipe.

"Okey doke... So, listen, I had a late night with a Kreemorian Fangor Beast, so I'm going to shut my eyes for a bit. But go on, I'm listening to every word..."

Draco is asleep before Bem gets the next sentence out.

Draco is shaken softly by the shoulders. He opens his eyes to see a young female crewman, Luna. A low rumble is heard..

"I am sorry to wake you sir, but your presence is requested on the command deck."

Draco tries to reorient himself as she leads him forward.

Luna escorts Draco down the high tech hallway. Draco looks around, still holding his can of Coke.

"Sir, Voldemort has moved the deadline. We are approaching his ship at the Ni-delta now. He wants an answer to his proposal. I understand you have been briefed."

"Yeah, I got most of it in the car. He's the bad guy, right?"

"Yes sir he is a very bad man indeed. He has tortured our scientists, put us to work in the gallium arsenide mines, captured our females for his own demented purposes..."

"Okay I've got the picture. You have pages or do you want me to just go for it?"

"I'm not sure I..."

"Script pages. Never mind, let's see what old Voldemort has to say for himself."

Cedric approaches with other crewmembers.

"Commander... Welcome to the Protector II. Would you like to don your uniform?"

"Mind If we skip that? I have to get back pretty quick for this thing in Van Nuys."

"As you wish."

Another alien comes running up out of breath.

"Sir... It's Voldemort. He's here."

A door slides open and Draco and the others enter the command deck... It's straight out of the TV show. Blinking lights, consoles, the cool old tech displays... But a bit dark. Draco looks around, genuinely impressed, still wearing his glasses.

"Not bad. Usually it's painted cardboard boxes in a garage."

They lead him to the Commander's chair. He sits.

"Sir, we apologize for operating in low power mode, but we are experiencing a reflective flux field this close to the galactic axis."

"No problem. This thing have a cup holder?"

(Nigel hands Draco a clipboard)

"The situational analysis, Commander."

"What's your name?"

(Nigel perplexed)

"... Nigel sir."

Draco signs his autograph and hands it back. "There you go."

"We're approaching in five ticks, sir. Command to slow?"

Draco looks toward the front window/view screen. Stars move past in a familiar display.

"Sure, set the screen saver on two." (the navigator looks confused) "Sorry. Sorry. Didn't mean to break the mood. Slow to Mark 2, lieutenant."

A ship appears on the screen, growing closer. It is a menacing craft, sharp and jagged, with a gargoyle shaped figurehead. Then the viwescreen fuzzes to life with an image of... Voldemort - He's ugly and green hued. Black sharp teeth. A metal hand... He hisses... There is a beat as the aliens take in the sight, trying to well their courage.

"I see fear. That is expected." (his voice resonates) "Ah, they bring a new Commander... Such a cowardly species. Not even your own kind... No matter. Here are my demands, and I would suggest, Commander, that you think well before speaking a word, because these negotiations are... tender.. and if I do not like what I hear there will be blood pain as you cannot imagine..."

Draco takes a sip of coke and checks his watch.

"First, I require the Omega 13... Second-"

(Blasé, like a laundry list) "Okey dokey, let's fire blue particle cannons full. Fire red particle cannons full. Fire gannet magnets left and right. Fire pulse catapults from all chutes. And throw this thing at him too, killer."

He hands the gunner the empty coke can, then before even waiting for the weapons to reach their target... ...he exits!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Draco emerges and looks both ways trying to get his bearings.

Several of the aliens chase after him as he enters the corridor, exchanging stunned dances, trying to absorb the magnitude of what just happened.

"Commander?... Where are you... going?"

"Home."

"You... You mean Earth?"

Yeah. "Earth." Time to get back to "Earth," kids.

He turns a corner. Draco is oblivious to the muffled sounds of explosions, traces of the demolition going on outside.

"But Commander... The negotiation... You... You... You fired on him."

"Right. Long live... What's your planet?"

"Theramin."

"Long live Theramini. Take a left here?"

"But what if Voldemort survives?

"Oh, I don't think so. I gave him both barrels."

"He has a very powerful ship. Perhaps you would like to wait to see the results of-"

"I would but I am REALLY running late and the 134's a parking lot after 2:00. But listen, the guy gives you any more trouble, just give a call..."

Cedric produces a walkie talkie device for Draco.

"An interstellar vox."

"Thanks"

Cedric looks him in the eye. A tear starts down his cheek. He hugs Draco, then shakes his hand sincerely.

"How can we thank you, Commander. You- You have saved our people."

"It was a lot of fun. You kids are great."

The others shake his hand, thanking him as they enter the...

A room with a very high circular ceiling. The aliens continue thanking Draco as they lead him to the center of the room. Draco realizes he's left all alone in this strange room with no visible doors. Draco is suddenly aware that he is standing on a glowing red disk.

"Wait. Where's the car?"

Suddenly a clear cylinder rises from the disk and conforms around him, encasing~ him in a clear bullet shaped container. There is only an instant to register surprise as the ceiling divides and an awe inducing rotating starfield is revealed... The walls pull back around him. And Draco finds himself surrounded by the infinite vastness of space. And his face is a mask of horror in the split instant as Draco in his pod is rocketed forward into space.

He is now standing on the red disk in the middle of his own back yard. He stands there in shock, teeth chattering, shivering in waves and waves from the incomprehension of what he's just experienced, unable to move from the snot.

Crickets chirp. Inside the open garage of a suburban house sits Seamus and his friends in their uniforms, surrounded by a homemade space ship interior constructed of painted cardboard boxes and Christmas lights. Seamus and his friends look very disappointed... The Commander never showed.

Harry, Severus, Blasie, Ron and Neville perform for the store's grand opening. A small crowd is gathered, including Seamus and his gang, inspecting a mock up of the Protector.

"Take it from us... We've been all over the universe."

"But we've never seen the space age values we've seen here..."

"TechCo electronics superstore."

Severus pauses, deeply ashamed. Harry nudges him.

"By Grabthar's hammer, what a savings."

A few balloons are released into the air.

The actors hand out pamphlets and sign the occasional autograph.

Ron pats Severus' back, who stares ahead, morose. Around the corner, Draco appears, looking around with a disoriented yet exhilarated twinkle in his eye.. He spots his friends and starts quickly toward the cast table but runs smack into the group of fans led by Seamus. Seamus and Draco go down, along with an armful of Galaxy Quest collectables.

"Commander!... My apologies."

Seamus is nudged by his friend Cormac.

"Commander... Evidently we had miscommunication regarding

yesterday's scheduled voyage, and-"

But Draco, still in a haze, simply gathers his things and walks

off. The other nerds look at Seamus.

"He dished us AGAIN, Seamus!"

(Seamus hiding his disappointment)

"He probably... Has some very important business to attend to..."

(Ginny just letting off steam)

"Maybe we should just start a Star Trek club!"

The others turn, silent, incredulous. Seamus looks at Ginny with hard, cold eyes.

"Don't EVER say that to me again."

He walks away. The others stare at Ginny.

The actors look up to see Draco approaching.

"Do you know what time it is? Why did you even bother to show up?"

Draco has so much to say he can't get out a word. Harry notices his wrinkled slept-in clothing, and wild eyes.

"Draco... Are you all right?"

Draco points to the sky, grasping for words.

"I was there. Up. There..."

(Intense) "They came to the convention. I thought they were fans, but they're not. They took me up to their ship. They're called Thermians or Thatians, I don't know. I was a little hungover..." (actors exchange glances) "What they built... It's incredible I fought this man, this... thing... called Voldemort. I kicked his ASS... They have these... pods. One took me THROUGH a black hole." (crazy smile. The others stare) "I know. I know what you're thinking. But I can prove it. Look! They gave me this!"

He searches his pockets frantically and produces the interstellar vox. The thing blinks its little red light. He motions victoriously. The others exchange glances, then produce their own blinking voxes and set them on the table.

"Yes, but can you talk to people in SPACE on yours?" (into Vox:) Protector this is the Commander. Come in protector..."

The others exchange glances. Severus turns to Harry.

"God, what an ass."

"COME IN PROTECTOR... PROTECTOR..."

Blasie rolls up his sleeve ready for a fight.

"That's it, It's go time."

Don't do it, Tommy. He's not worth it.

Draco notices a label on his vox that reads "Property of Seamus Finnigan." He looks around for Seamus.

"This isn't mine. Wait, where is that kid?..."

"You know it's one thing to treat us this way, but how can you do this to your fans?..."

Draco looks up and sees the young woman he recognize a Thermian named Luna. She's flanked by two young crewmen.

"Begging your pardon, Commander, we come with news. Voldemort lives. He was able upon your departure to make an escape. However he has contacted us, and wishes to surrender. We humbly implore you to return with us, to negotiate the terms."

Draco looks at Luna, then turns back to the others, his experience twinkling in his eyes.

"They want me back... I... I want you all to come. You have to come with me. It'll be the most amazing experience of your lives. We're going to negotiate an alien general's SURRENDER in SPACE. You have to- Guys? GUYS?..."

They have begun to walk away, one by one, in disgust. Only Harry remains. She looks at Draco.

"Harry, you know me. I'm a lot of things but I'm not crazy."

But Harry shakes her head and walks off.


End file.
